The hardest part of ending is starting again

For me, home is where my heart is. And my heart always has, always will belong to Sweden. So for me, I am home. The thing that's hard though, is that 9 years is a long time to live somewhere, anywhere. I worked very hard to build myself a life there. With the help of friends and family it turned out great. So I guess it's only natural to miss that. Don't get me wrong, I love the life I'm building here. But there's a long way to go. In Finland, it wasn't until maybe 3-4 years ago I actually started to feel comfortable with myself and my life. So I guess what I'm thinking, and what I have been thinking a lot about, is "Do I really have to wait 5 years before I feel really, truly comfortable again? 'Cause even though I moved back to my hometown, A LOT has changed in 9 years. I mean a decade has passed since the last time I lived here. That's a long time. And even though I've during those years in Finland, have come back and visited a couple times a year, it's not the same as actually living here. I honestly don't know if I'm making a lot of sense right now, but please, bare with me.

I guess what I'm saying, is that even though I feel like I've come home, I'm starting from scratch. Again. For the second time in my life. And that's the hard part. It's such a long, energy-sucking process. I know, because I've been there. It's truly exhausting. And what makes it even more difficult for me, is that I'm really anxious. I want things to happen now. Not soon, not later, NOW. So you can imagine how I'm not really excited about the possibility of having to wait a few years before my life here is "complete".

So basically, the hard part isn't about leaving Finland, and "ending" my life there (even though that was pretty darn hard....), the hard part is starting over. Starting to build up the life I want and deserve. There's so much to do before I can really call me being here my life. The pure thought is exhausting. But I know I can do it. I've done it once before, and it made me who I am today. So until then, I'll just have to suck it up and cry to my friends about it. We do that. 'Cause we're cool like that. Deal with it.

If you read all of that, understood most of that and still think I'm a somewhat smart person, you deserve a medal.

Be kind to each other and believe in yourself.

xx Mitra